


letters from a dead man walking

by sarahs_wife



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, Other, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:15:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28569084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahs_wife/pseuds/sarahs_wife
Summary: After the events of Baltimore, Neil is put into witness protection.Browning finds a way for him to say goodbye.
Relationships: Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Matt Boyd & Neil Josten, Neil Josten & Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten & Allison Reynolds, Neil Josten & Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 25
Kudos: 131





	1. Chapter 1

“Nathaniel, how many times do I have to tell you? Your marshal said you can’t see them!” At this point, Browning was starting to get frustrated. 35 years at the bureau, interrogating suspects, putting away criminals, and nothing had prepared him for just how stubborn Nathaniel was. 

“And how many times do I have to tell you? Let me see them, let me say goodbye, or I’m not talking at all.” 

“Listen, kid-“

“Do not call me kid.”

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“Unless it lets me say goodbye to my family, I don’t want it.”

Browning left the room. Adaleine, Nathaniel’s appointed marshal, was going to rip him a new   
one for what he was about to do. She had given them specific instructions to not let Nathaniel have any contact with the PSU exy team, in the hope to make him talk and keep his location secure. Breaking her rules could mean grounds for his expulsion. They’d open a case and look into his record, and if Addy was mad enough, she’d nitpick every mistake he’d ever made and turn it into a case against him. He looked at Nathaniel again, trying to process whether or not it was worth it to risk his whole career for this one kid’s goodbye. 

It was. 

Browning’s only weakness was that he always found a way for people to say goodbye. And to hell with it if this kid couldn’t say goodbye. Nathaniel had been through enough, and knowing the mouthy little shit, Browning didn’t actually believe he’d talk without getting what he wanted first. 

Maybe the nurses would have some paper he could use.

“Hello Janice.”

“Hello Agent Browning, is there something I can help you with?”

“Do you have any extra paper?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Browning was starting to regret letting this kid say goodbye. Not only was he an asshole the whole time, but Browning had just gotten a call from Towns saying Nathaniel’s absence had pushed a collective mute button on everyone but the coach, who wasn’t much help either. One of them in particular, Andre? Antonio? He couldn’t remember something with an “An-“ at the front, was being extremely difficult and consistently on the verge of assault. Everyone was refusing to talk until they heard from “Neil”.

When he looked back on this day, ten years in the future, he’d realize this was his saddest case. A kid who’d never known love or a home, writing his final goodbyes to those who’d shown him what it was supposed to be like. Browning would never forgive himself for ripping Nathaniel away from the one good thing he’d ever had. This case, Nathaniel, the foxes; they’d all play the largest roles in his quitting the agency. Giving those letters away, Nath- Neil’s final goodbye, was the hardest thing he’d ever done. 

It was also the cruelest.

Knocking on the door five times in quick succession, he opened the door only to be met by the blank, enraged, and distraught stares of the Palmetto State University Exy team. 

“Towns? Mallack? If you’d step out for a minute?”

“Yes sir.”

When the other agents had left and firmly shut the door behind themselves, Browning addressed the team, their coach, and their nurse.

“I know I am not the one you want to see. Legally, we can not allow you to see Nathaniel-“ but he was cut off but the tan man in the corner. Most likely Nicholas Hemmick.

“His name is Neil. You’ll call him Neil or you won’t refer to him at all.” 

“Of course. My apologies. We can not allow you to see Neil as it would compromise his position, and could potentially destroy evidence in our investigation.”

There was a chorus of cries at that, mainly including phrases such as, “Bullshit!” (Danielle Wilds), “evidence? What case?” (Matthew Boyd), and “his position? Is he important now?” (Aaron Minyard).

“Quiet down-“ he cut himself off, remembering something Neil had said about the word please, “Technically, and when I say technically I mean there’s nothing that says I can’t do this, but I will absolutely be fired for it if word gets out, Neil was able to say one last goodbye. Unfortunately, it comes in the form of three letters, do with them what you will, but this is as far as I go.”

He handed them to their owners, the one labeled “The Foxes” he gave to Danielle, hoping that because she was captain, she’d take care of it.

“Should we read it out loud?” asked Matthew.

“I’ll do it.” volunteered Renee. She was the calmest one out of the lot of them anyways, it was a good call. 

Taking a deep breath, she started to read:

Foxes,

I’m not sure if you guys ever want to see me again after everything that’s happened. I’m not sure you’ll even want to read this after everything I’ve done. Even if you do hate me, I’m begging you to keep reading. This is my last chance to say goodbye and I don’t intend to waste it.

Kevin. You’re a dick. I don’t know what you’ve told them but I know you’ve told them something. I hate you. Thank you for not making me leave when you found out who I was. Since this is the last time I’ll get to talk to you, I can finally get something off my chest. Your green smoothies? They fucking suck. I’ve never tasted something more horrid and that’s saying something because I once ate only cold beans for three months straight. Stop making people drink them. 

Matt. You were my best friend. You were the first person to give me a space and call it mine. You never gave me shit no matter how many times I woke you up at 3 am. No matter what, you were always there. Thank you. I never had a brother, and now that it’s over, I realize I had one all along. I think I might miss you a little more than the others. (If you’re reading this out loud: no offense)

Renee. You scared the shit out of me when I first met you. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I allowed my own judgments to block you out. That was not fair to you. Regardless, you were still fiercely protective of me. You remind me of my mother in that sense; take care of Andrew for me okay? He’ll need you now more than ever, don’t let him push you away. 

Allison. I know you blamed me for Seth’s death and I know I could never make it up to you even if I was given the chance. Thank you for standing up afterward and still being able to look me in the eye. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met and I will continue to admire your strength until the day I die. You’re a bitch. I’ll fucking miss you so much.

Aaron. I hate you. You’re an asshole. Stop being a coward and fight for Katelyn. I have exactly two favors here with the good ol’ FBI, so don’t fuck this up. Your interview with Harvard is September 22 at 1 pm. When you get in, there’s a safe in my room. There should be around 150k left. Use it for medical school. I have no idea how much that costs and I can’t be arsed to figure it out now. And before you deny it because you also hate me, you can’t. You’re not allowed to. What kind of a man would you be if you ignored my dying wish? What would Katelyn think? If there’s any leftover, use it to pay for her too, and buy her a fucking ring. Fuck you.

Dan. You were the first woman I ever met that I wasn’t afraid of. You were warm and welcoming from the get-go. You told me you loved me two months after I first met you. That was the first time I had ever heard those words. It broke my heart because I couldn’t tell you there was no way you could actually love me. You loved Neil Josten, and he was a fake from the start. He was never real. I’m sorry. I love you too.

Nicky. I saved you for last for a reason. If they’re reading this out loud, now is the time to make them stop. I don’t know if you want them to hear this next part. I had two favors, and I used one for Aaron. I used the other one for you. A couple of months ago you told me about your parents sending you to conversion therapy. You also told me the name of the camp. It’s being evacuated and closed as you’re reading this. The minister will go on trial but Browning thinks they’ll put him on death row. I still don’t completely know what happened to you there, but I’m glad you made it out. I’m glad you’re still alive. 

I never thought I would live until the end of the year. I always planned to be either dead or in FBI custody. I never let myself think about staying, and I never let myself think about being able to keep this. I never thought I would stop running. I never thought about love because I didn't know what it was. I never let myself wish for anything.

I wish we got more time. I got so much more with you than I ever thought I would. More than I ever deserved. More than I could ever dream of. I wish we got more time. 

Thank you for the first happy moments I’d ever experienced. Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for letting me have a family. Thank you for showing me what it meant to live, to love. I will never forget any of you. 

I love you all,

Nathaniel Wesninski


	2. Chapter 2

If David had a dollar for every time one of his kids was kidnapped and tortured by the mafia, he’d be a broke ass bitch, but the fact that it’s even happening is particularly astounding. 

The minute Andrew came back to the bus and realized Neil wasn’t with him, his apathetic facade broke. No one on the team had cared enough to figure out all of his microexpressions, but David has always considered himself Andrew’s keeper. Not even his own family could see how panicked Andrew was at not seeing Neil with the group, so when he came back to the bud with Neil’s bag, he knew he had to start calling the hospitals.

Being Andrew’s keeper also meant being the last resort to keeping him in check when he tried to assault three federal officers for moving him away from his family. David was proud of how much Andrew had grown in the past two years. He could see the anger on his face when the agents were manhandling Matt and Allison, and he couldn’t imagine what would happen if they made the mistake of touching him. But that also meant he had wound up handcuffed to Andrew. 

Which meant he and Andrew had to move the bus together.

Which meant they hadn’t been there when Browning came back to give them Neil’s letters.

Which meant they found two agents standing at the door of their hotel room, and upon opening the door, one inside holding two more letters.

David did not like where this was going.

“Sir, as I’ve already informed your team, Neil is being put into the witness protection program and can no longer come to say goodbye as it would compromise his position and put him, and everyone in contact with him, in danger. You can not tell anyone I gave this to you because I would absolutely get fired, and I am currently your only link to Neil. He wrote three letters, and I believe this one is addressed to you?” 

Browning handed him an envelope with a messy “David” on the front.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. He already lost Janie earlier that year, and he’d almost lost Andrew last Thanksgiving. He didn’t know if he could handle Neil being in danger and not being able to look after him. He didn’t know if he could handle Neil not coming home. 

So he opened the letter and started reading.

Coach Wymack,

Back in January, you let me stay, even though you had no reason to. I don’t know what Kevin told you about my past, but whatever he said he probably made it sound really melodramatic and worse than it actually was. Regardless, it is a truth that I owe you.

My father was Nathan Wesninski, more commonly known as the Butcher of Baltimore. As the name may suggest, he was not a good man, and thus, a very very bad father. He is the reason I am wary around men old enough to be a father.

I can not remember a day with him where I wasn’t beaten, burned, cut, or broken. He found the smallest excuses to justify his actions, and for the longest time, he’d made me think I deserved everything he’d done to me. He taught me to measure arms so I could try to stay out of reach. When I was seven, the police came to the house and started asking questions, I didn’t say anything, but I guess I didn’t sit still enough because when they left, he took the iron my mom was using to press his shirts and took it to my shoulder. When I was nine, I asked to go to the pool so mom could teach me how to swim. He took me downstairs and drowned and resuscitated me eight times. I don’t know how to swim and I don’t think I ever want to learn.

In my first few months here, I felt like everything was on the verge of falling apart. I didn’t intend on even staying for the first game against the Ravens. I couldn’t risk Riko finding out who I was, but Andrew convinced me to stay. He said I could build something good here, that it’d be harder to kill someone who was in the spotlight. But my father has never found it hard to make anyone disappear, famous or not.

Last week I realized it’s been two months since I last flinched away from you. Out of everyone, I chose to trust you, and I will never regret that decision, whether I made it consciously or not. If I could have done it sooner, I would 

You have no idea how much I want to stay. I am so sick of running. I just want to stay with my family, but I don’t think they’d be able to forgive me for lying to them about so much. They were the best thing that ever happened to me and now I have to let them go. 

Thank you for giving me a chance David. It’s the first one I’ve ever gotten and I’ll never forget the man who changed my life. You were the best father I could have asked for. 

With love and regret,

Neil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two ideas on how to end this fic, one of which involves making it a series, the other involves killing Neil. Have not yet decided how cruel I want to be. Apologies for taking so long, I just took seven midterms and probably failed four of them. Thank you for your time, I hope you cried. No I did not edit it, please don't tell me if I made any mistakes, I do not care.


	3. Chapter 3

Andrew was good at staying.

He was good at staying in his room when his foster parents got too drunk, when the teacher looked around the classroom for someone to answer the question, when Aaron was going through withdrawal and he had to sit vigil outside the beat-up bathroom door. He was good at staying when Cass wanted a family picture and made him stand next to Drake. He was good at staying when the cops came, and he was good at staying awaiting both of his impending trials.

The issue was that no one else in Andrew’s life was good at staying.

Not a single foster family he had stayed with had ever really wanted him. He was just starting to accept that if Cass had really wanted him, she would have noticed. She wouldn’t have turned a blind eye. But all she wanted was the perfect son, and she wasn’t going to get that in Andrew because the only thing he was good at was staying.

He had thought he could keep Aaron. But he disappointed Andrew time and time again, running off with a new girl every month in high school, and finally with Katelyn in college. Andrew couldn’t fault him for it though. He wouldn’t want to stay with him either.

He had never let himself believe he could keep Nicky. No matter how much Andrew wished Nicky would stay, Nicky’s presence in America was only temporary. He had a fiancée back in Germany, and Andrew had already extended his stay longer than he should have. Making Nicky come to college with him was completely selfish, but when he’d made the decision, he didn’t think he could let go of the only adult who had ever fought for him yet. Sometimes he thinks, if he were to make a list of things he regretted— not that he believed in regret— making Nicky more miserable by keeping him here with his terrible monster of a cousin would be the first thing on the list.

But Neil.

Neil was supposed to be different.

Against all odds, against all past experiences, Andrew had let himself believe that Neil was going to stay. He let himself believe whatever nothing he had with Neil would be the last nothing he’d have, and even worse, he’d wanted it to last. He’d started vaguely entertaining thoughts of growing old with Neil. Maybe they’d get a cat, or maybe they’d get two. Maybe they’d get married, or not. Maybe they wouldn’t even work out in the end, but the point was that it was supposed to be on their terms. Not the terms of some wacked out serial killer with a vendetta against his dead wife and boss.

Neil was supposed to change the leaving streak.

But Neil had always been a runaway, and Andrew really should have known better than to think he, of all people, would stay.

When Browning said Neil would be leaving permanently, Andrew nearly broke. He almost lost all the composure he’d worked nearly 20 years to build and maintain. But he knew that if there was anything he did know, it was something he’d learned very very early on. 

Never listen to a middle aged man when he makes a decision and says “it’s what’s best for everyone”. Everyone usually meant everyone-but-Andrew, and he had a feeling this time wouldn’t be any different.

Browning handed Andrew the letter. Andrew wasn’t surprised he got the last one; Neil had always been a melodramatic son of a bitch. 

Against his better judgment, he started reading the letter.

Drew,

I’ve never called you that out loud before, but it’s what I always call you in my head and I figured, since I’m never going to see you again, I’m never going to see you get mad at being loved enough to have a nickname, I might as well call you it now. 

The fact that you even occupy a space in my head is crazy. If you were here you’d probably say that the only thing in my head is exy, but you’re wrong. 

It’s you. 

It’s always you Andrew.

When I said thank you before, I meant it as goodbye. I meant it as a thank you for the truth, the honesty, the kisses, the acceptance. You knew me better than anyone and I’m so sorry I betrayed your trust like this.

All you ever did was tell the truth Andrew. All I ever did was lie. 

I loved you Andrew. That was real. Our nothing was real. 

But everything else wasn’t.

I lied about who I was, about who my parents were. Andrew, darling, I couldn’t even tell you who I really was if I tried. I’ve been too many people to actually exist. A piece of me was broken off in each of them and I’m not sure there’s anything left to recover.

The only thing I know for certain is that I did love you. I still do, but I’ll never see you again. I’ll take the memory of you with me wherever I go.

I will always regret leaving you. But I will never regret loving you. I refuse to apologize for that. 

I will never forget you Andrew, but I beg you, forget me. I know you can’t, but I implore you to make an attempt. I’m probably overestimating my importance to you, but I could not live knowing you were in pain.

You didn’t break your promise, love. But I did, and that is an unforgivable offense. I will never be able to apologize enough. 

I love you.

I’ll see you again someday.

All my heart,

Abram 

Andrew couldn’t breathe. He was damn near having a panic attack. Neil had taken the one thing Andrew had hoped for and ripped it to shreds.

He couldn’t stomach this kind of affection. The pet names, the caring words, the big four letter words glaring him in the face.

He couldn’t tell if this was another one of Neil’s speeches, designed to tear the victim to shreds from every single insecurity, but it has the same effect.

His legs couldn’t hold him anymore. He fell to the floor. If Neil hadn’t just torn away every shred of dignity he had left, he’d have half a mind to be embarrassed but he couldn’t put the effort in. His tear ducts acted on their own volition it seemed, because he didn’t even notice the hot tears running down his face until they hit the letter and smeared Neil’s last words. 

He could barely hear the other’s gasps and low murmurings, but nothing could make him deaf to Browning’s phone ringing. 

After two rings and a bit of pocket searching, Browning picked up the call.

“Special Agent Browning speaking.” A pause. “Fuck! Are you sure? God damn it. Okay, Addie thank you.”

The foxes looked at him with hesitation, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Nathanial Wesninski is dead.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Marshal Becker?”

“Nate just call me Addie”

“Do you think they’ll forgive me?”

“Maybe. But it doesn’t matter.”

“Because they can’t be my family anymore, I know. I just- I wish I’d had more time.” Nate thought that, maybe if he could, he’d be crying. It seems like an appropriate moment. He hadn’t cried since he tried to mutilate his own face, and he didn’t know if he could anymore. 

Nate was tired. He wasn’t Neil anymore, because Neil had died with Nathaniel, about ten minutes ago. Addie made the call to Browning.

He wasn’t going to be Nate for much longer either, Towns was on the way with his new identity. Nate couldn’t help but pray this would be his last one. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this. 

Neil watched silently as Doctor Rebecca signed his death certificate. He watched silently as Towns signed as witness to his name change certificate. 

Adam watched silently. He didn’t know how to speak anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right now, I give you this. Next? Who knows.  
> (I do. It’s a Seth, Aaron, Matt and Kevin AA fic. Maybe.)  
> I’m sorry for how shitty this chapter is. If I made a mistake, no I didn’t 🖤  
> Love you guys🖤 hope you had fun here, tune in next time for some more angsty fics  
> I have a few ideas so here’s some lil sneaks to entice you to stick around:  
> \- Neil and katelyn are friends. It’s a disaster  
> -AA/NA fic. My fav kev ship is Kevin/therapy/AA  
> \- Andrews rules (like Gibbs)  
> \- Neil kills someone. No I will not elaborate.
> 
> These will be coming. I’m not going to give a time limit but they will be coming.
> 
> Also I have no idea how to mark this as completed please help

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I’m doing 🖤


End file.
